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| Spring by Ognyan Lazarov |
Here I am in October 2014 starting this blog called “Path after Cancer”, feeling like a conqueror of the world. I wrote the blog entry “Fuck you, Cancer” after having just completed a second breast tissue biopsy (first one was 5 years earlier, thinking it’s all good, it’s all behind me. And then 2 weeks later Cancer shows me the middle finger, when the second diagnose comes. And I land there - in the pause between thoughts, between audible sounds, between hope & despair, thinking: “It outsmarted me and all the efforts to keep it “at bay”... It showed me there is no such thing as conquering or surviving Cancer. You can only say you survived Cancer, if you eventually die of something else. I’m sorry, World, for being so blunt, but let’s stop wrapping it in pink ribbons and sugar-coating it for a minute!”
This was about 18 months ago. I’m still around but I don’t like calling myself a “Survivor”. In my opinion, “graduate” is a more honest label. It describes the immense learning and effort that comes with the disease. “Survivor” demands a guarantee from life, and there is no such thing as a guarantee with cancer (or life in general), because even if 5,/10,/20 years pass, you can never be 100% sure it's not lurking around the corner from the next routine check-up. At least not yet. And I’ve been hiding behind the “I need a guarantee” card for 18 months, telling myself I can’t write about cancer otherwise.
Recognizing that life is uncertain has been a painful and exhilarating revelation at the same time. I’m not nearly done with all my lessons, or even entirely over the fact that cancer is a label that sticks in people’s perceptions and outing yourself with it can have social consequences. The word Cancer is condemning, and more so the younger we are when our bodies are branded with it.
Yet, deep in my heart I feel it’s part of my path to give hope to others. Many friends have been reaching out to me, asking me to share more, to help support their difficult journey or that of their family members, who have been newly diagnosed.
So here it is - my journey, my thoughts, my twisted humour in the utmost indecent moments.
And as a side note:
I won’t offer you advice, recommend this over that. I am not a medical professional, nor do I think that my choices about food, life, work or anything else can be applied as a formula on everyone. We have been created with certain diversity and individuality and it’s these two parts of us that we honour, that make life an adventure.
This blog won’t be dedicated to a sad tale either, even if the facts seems harsh, even if I hardly know anyone listening/reading about cancer without flinching. The content of this blog is coming from an honest place that cancer is helping me reach, in which I’m recognizing that life offers us all shades and we choose which ones to call “good” and “bad”. Denying or hiding the ones we don’t like won’t make them disappear, so why not learn to ride the “highs” and “lows”? After all: “A crisis is a terrible thing to waste.”
Whoever you are, and whatever reason brought you here, I hope you will find ideas and methods to help you follow your own path with a calmer heart. I hope you will feel less alone, less foolish, less lost. I hope to make your journey lighter, just like mine was supported by other fighters, who offered me their story in dark days.
Be compassionate with the frequency of my posts, with my typos (which I never seem to escape) and mostly with your fears(they will be with you and that’s OK).
Post comments, if you have questions, I will try to answer as soon as possible.Yours, K
